A Dream, or Perhaps, Not

It was incomplete, but it was beautiful. That dream that was as true as I inhaled and exhaled.

Eyes wide awake, watching the reality around me; there’s a soft blur now, but the dream was sharp and real, when my eyes were closed and I, for a while though it may be, was in a different world. I was outside of me; seeing myself — it was a happy instance; which in this world it can never be.

1968

Yet, it was my world, and its reality was pure; like the crisp sunshine of these southern winter mornings that I feel on my bare neck, under the netted shadows of old trees. It was not another world for sure. It was a time: either experienced and forgotten, or one that was soon due. But one thing was sure.

It was a happy one.

We all know it; for that sweet smile that wakes from a dream, cannot be suppressed; even when aware and awake. It is an empty sense of a foiled recollection; but we know deep down why we smile.

In our innocence, we call it a dream.

Instead of Writing …

Instead of writing, may be I should draw something. Hmm. Here’s a box.

A Box

Why? I do not know. I just felt like a box. A box is nice especially when it encloses a gift. It’s not such a good thing when it encloses us. Some may say that a box is not good; it limits. Others may say that a box is good; it defines. Be what it may be, a box is just a box. It has no agenda. It seeks nothing. It’s a box and it continues being a box.

A box may make us happy or sad, but the box itself doesn’t feel anything. I like boxes. After I take out the things that come in these boxes, I never throw the boxes away.

Boxes come in a few colours. But, most boxes are brown. A dull uniform brown. I think, boxes should be made in many, many colours. Boxes don’t feel anything. So it won’t matter to them, what colour they are. But colourful boxes will make those who make boxes, happy. As well as those who receive these colourful boxes. Boxes travel a lot.

Boxes are cool.

A Vintage Moment

Not this one. This is just a moment in time; now.

Window Frame

In due course, it will be a vintage moment. When something wonderful was thought of and created, even if it was just in the tightly confined vast mindspace unlimited possibility.

Hello 2017

There’s an uncanny silence to the way this year has started. Not freaky or weird, just odd, perhaps. Not that I was expecting some big-bang event, yet that sense of a New year isn’t apparent.

Puducherry Boatman

Puducherry (Pondicherry), India. It was a good morning

One step that we take, crossing a milestone, is the same as the thousand steps we took to reach the milestone. The step itself, or the milestone mean nothing. It is the sense of that step that becomes celebratory.

It is that sense which is worthy of being cherished.

2016 Schizophrenia

2016 started, just a few minutes in, with me falling down and hurting myself. Tore my jeans. Badly bruised my knee, and other various events. While agreeing with a friend on something, I punched her hand. The next day, I was reminded, it works differently for different genders. Apparently, equality of the sexes is not black and white. I made a mental note: Guy friends and gal friends: Two different things. DO NOT PUNCH GIRLS ON THEIR HANDS.

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Money is one thing. Satisfaction is another. For a while, you can convince yourself that money is everything. Eventually, you will realise that satisfaction is important. I Left. Finding reasons not to do things is proof that you do not want to do things.

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Friends are the most important thing in life. Your life needs to revolve around them. Mostly. Actually, you are the most important thing in (your) life. Ask, if friends will come along; if they do not, walk alone. Not all of your friends have the time or inclination.

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I fell on the stairs in that badly designed staircase of that stupid pub. I carry the reminder on my shin.

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Things will change. You will get cheated. It’s not people, who always cheat you. Sometimes, systems do. And it may seem that it is people. One person in the system is not the system. Being cheated, while it is not the best experience, is a means for you to become wise.

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Loneliness and being alone are two very different things. When you know the difference, all is well. In 2016, I mixed them in a bad concoction. I put both of them in one jar and mixed them vigorously, hoping I’d have one thing to deal with.

145838: Men Drinking Tea

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In 2016, I lost many friends. So much, that I am bereft of most friends. Either my friends were being stupid, or I was. Or they didn’t understand me. It was my doing, mostly. I do not seek to regain them. I ask not for forgiveness. I curse myself for the reasons that I lost them. I was lost, and in that loss, I crossed lines, and in crossing those lines, I lost much.

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Reading above, it is easy to say that my 2017-self is (or could be) wiser. I would think so too. One more year in this life; however, I am not seeking wisdom. I am seeking happiness. I am seeking freedom.

from anger. from negativity. from cynicism. from bias.

I do not know that I can. But my 2017 will be all about it.

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Happy New Year to all of You!

It Has Been 13 Years

Yup.

I have blogged for 13 years. Not that it means much, when you think of the posts that I have published. Many folks have published more post is less than half the time that I have blogged.

But then, what is the metric to measure?

In terms of blogging, this has probably been the worst year of the 13. In terms of number of posts. But I have given up on trying to better the stats. 2016 has been a bad year.

I wonder why we attribute characters to years. 2016, a bad year. 2015 a good year and such. The year has no power to determine our lives.

I have read my posts the last two years and most of them are shite. Earlier, I was willing to talk of what I felt. I’ve mentioned of things that were bloggable. And I blogged them. And I wrote well. Of things that were bloggable. Years don’t have a positive or a negative sense. It is all our doing. And in 2016 I made adventurous mistakes. Plural. In making them, I learnt of expressing expression, talking of love, and, at times, not talking of love. To find myself, I had to lose myself.  I discovered that not all friends are friends. Some of them are more than friends. I learnt that you can’t always be honest about your feelings. Mostly, because you often do not know exactly what you feel. I learnt that love is worth fighting for. That true love, is not obvious. You will discover it only as you falter.

163201: The Beer Glass

Will 2017 be any different?

What’s one year after the other? Each year is only of more learning. There is no good year and a bad year. They are just years. Unemotional dates traversing a calendar. It’s us who push and pull emotions every day. Of loss and love. Of holding on and letting go.

To understand our limits, we have to exceed them; cross them. And we may hurt people around us. It is exploration for us, but it hurts them, when we expand; for curiosity. We may find our boundaries; or our boundaries may get handed to us; either way, we will know.

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I have nothing to say about blogging other than it is cathartic. In time, I have discovered, we write for no one, but us; even if we write for others. Our posts are independent mirrors that reflect the times of specific feelings; posts, in our blog, are shards of our blog, the shards a composite of a mirror of self.

I’ll perhaps post more, this coming year. But, I do not promise.

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Thank you, you all who have liked and commented on my posts. You are not forgotten. That small icon of you all, below the post, is the merry string of your love. It makes me happy.

Return of the Rhythm

Writing here feels a bit weird, now. Using a keyboard, i.e.

A couple of hours ago, I completed a handwritten assignment: over 11,000 words, in seventy-five pages. The wrist and the fingers feel different; rejuvenated, or something like that. Like the return of an old memory; only that the sense of the memory is physical.

When I got to know about this assignment, I was a bit surprised. In this age and time? Handwritten assignments? That too, these long? I mean who does that anymore! A friend even called it regressive. And she would be right. But I decided to go through it. If nothing; as an experience.

When I finished the first three pages, I was not sure I’d be able to complete. The wrist and the fingers were ready to fall off. And I posted a picture of the pages that I had written, on Facebook, and wondered socially aloud, if I could complete it. Like an angel that she is, my English teacher from school, saw that post and asked me to keep at it. All through, whenever I talked about this — with friends and family — all I saw were congratulatory thoughts and lots of “thumbs ups.”

20161213_175457-01

The first seven – eight pages were painful, to say the least. And they were excruciatingly slow. Somewhere around that time, I found my rhythm. The muscle memory, which I thought I had lost, forever, kicked in. Ink started flowing on paper. The speed of my thought and the speed of my writing, found harmony. It was sweet music and dance. Fond memories of learning, discovering new things, surfaced slowly and put me in a happy place.

I am glad I didn’t give up.

Thank you, you know who you are.

PS: This post is a measly three-hundred and thirteen words. Perhaps this assignment was more than just a submission for my course-work.